HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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