i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
