Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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