did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
