I just threw up on my dentist
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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