Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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