Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You're like the curious george of whores
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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