Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
