This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The air was thick with penises
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
