why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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