when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
