Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
