Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
