Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
