Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
