I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
