I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize