I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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