I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..