I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
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Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell