You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
