Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
