On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
