nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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