i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.