How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.