yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!