I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
