i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
