why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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