where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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