there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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