just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
