just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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