I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
