phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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