I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
