We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
