You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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