I want to walk on stilts...naked
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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