god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
