i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
