just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
