If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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