Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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