I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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