I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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