Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There r osticjed everywhere
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
