I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
