Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
