Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
