thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
