The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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