I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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