Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
