i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Randomize
