Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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