You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i think my cat just said my name.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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