i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
