I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just pynch a tree in the face
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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