Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
